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THE

nec procu

The beating

PULSE

of the Golden Triangle 

THE

December 12th, 2019
BREAKING:
  • Report: 3 in 5 Golden Triangle adults now 'entirely reliant' on basket weaving as their primary source of income . . . .

Sex Secrets Of The Golden Triangle

Results Of Our Intimate Survey Into The Sex Lives Of The Golden Triangle

Thank you to the 700+ residents who took part in our survey of sexual behaviour and attitudes in the Golden Triangle.

The full 200 page report will be on sale shortly – meanwhile,  here are a selection of your responses.

KEY FINDINGS

Golden Triangle Couples – “What time on Sunday’s do you have sex ?”

After Broadcasting House but before The Archers Omnibus 7%
After Desert Island Discs but before The Food Programme 12%
During Money Box Live 81%

 

GT MEN – What do you think of to prolong sexual intercourse (ie. prevent “Christmas arriving in July”)

BREXIT 18%
MJB Hotels closure of the Plantation Garden 24%
Theresa May 58%

 

GT WOMEN – Self Gratification (‘Ménage à moi’)

What is your preferred setting for self gratification ?

Eco 60 cotton wash – rinse and hold 15%
  30 degree synthetics – long spin, anti-crease finish 85%

GT MEN – Genital Stimulation via Phallengetic Motion (‘Basting the Ham’)

‘Who’ is your preferred ‘partner’ ?

Henry / Henrietta 16% / 4%

 

  Bosch Eco Cordless E3 18%
Sebo Platinum (18 attachment edition) 62%

KEY FINDING: Sexual Experimentation In Cringleford
Cringleford couples were the least sexually adventurous in our survey! (Experts say this is because most have never seen online pornography due to low broadband speeds in their area)

NEWMARKET ROAD RESIDENTS ONLY:

Have you ever indulged in sexual experimentation (ie. fully naked sex)

Yes 4%
Absolutely not 96%

Newmarket Road WOMEN – Do you use a mechanical device to increase sexual arousal ?

Yes – Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible 71%


All GT Residents: What gets in the way of you having sex ?

28 Day Banning Order from Whitlingham Broad car parks 7%
PTA resources cupboard too cramped 12%
PTA resources cupboard too dirty / untidy 81%
KEY FINDING: Glebe Road
Glebe Road residents enjoy being humiliated and look forward to degrading articles being written about them in The Lentil

 

Chloe or Clive ?

Straight men Chloe
Gay men Chloe
Straight women Clive
Gay women Chloe
Bi Men / Bi Women James Wright (Lib. Dem.)

 

 

Mount Pleasant Residents Only – Since moving to Mount Pleasant, has ‘mounting’ become any more pleasant ?

 Yes 96%

 

 

What is your favourite position for sex ?

A chambres d’hote 3 miles south of Limoges 48%
 Up the allotment 52%

 

Women – Where would you go to seek out “A bit of rough” from the “wrong-side-of-the-tracks”

 Sandringham Road / Stafford Street 97%

 


Have you got an intimate problem that you would like to share (in confidence) , with the internet – Contact us here at The Lentil

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