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THE

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The beating

PULSE

of the Golden Triangle 

THE

August 9th, 2020
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Oh Crap – Which Secondary School Should We Choose ?

For many parents in the Golden Triangle, the perennial topic of conversation at school pickup is “which secondary school should I send my child to ?”

From free schools to academies; from state schools to private schools – how do we know what type of school is best ?

Our education correspondent guides you through the bewildering list of choices.

Private Schools

If you have an almost unlimited income and no moral compass, then it might be worth considering a Private School.

Private schools can suit children who have ‘untapped academic potential’ (thick children) The key advantage of a private education is that access to top-class universities and elite jobs isn’t based on  academic performance. Instead pupils are encouraged to build a life long network of social contacts that they can then exploit in later life.

Is It Right For My Child ?

hog
Typical school in the private sector

A private school might suit your child if they are currently showing any interest in either Latin, or homo erotic experimentation.

How Will I Know If My Local School Is “Private” ?

At the open evening, your car will be parked between the school’s £45,000 Mercedes mini bus and the PE teacher’s Bugatti

Academies

Norwich academies fall into two distinct types in that they are either:

  • failed former comprehensive schools
  • failing new schools owned by private companies

Academy Type 1 – The Failed Comprehensive

Many failed schools in Norwich are now able to offer the same low levels of academic performance as before, but in brand new buildings.

type2-academy
By law, new academies must be built entirely from matchsticks

These institutions have sold every single asset they own to a business consortium in exchange for the right to wear a new school uniform.

Is It Right For My Child ?

Yes, if they have a history of poor attendance and would like to work off-shore.

How Will I Know If My Local School Is A “Type 1 Academy” ?

At the open evening, you will detect that same feeling of thinly veiled malevolence as at a comprehensive school, but in a pristine timber clad environment.

Academy Type 2 – The Converted Shoe Factory

If you have no moral compass and a limited income, then a new academy might be right for your child.

academy-mot
An Ormiston Academy with combined MOT testing centre

Recognising a gap in the market for “state-funded-education-in-a -Victorian-setting”, many enterprising businesswomen have snapped up derelict inner city factories and former police stations and converted them into a form of ‘academic sweat shop’.

Here the emphasis is on a smart appearance, good grammar and losing your Norfolk accent.

Is It Right For My Child ?

Yes, provided they would like to dress as a member of the cast from The Sound Of Music and be educated alongside the geeks and  dorks that don’t fit into the mainstream education system.

How Will I Know If My Local School Is A “Type 2 Academy” ?

At the open evening, the staff and children will have the appearance of immaculately dressed automatons, indistinguishable from John Lewis mannequins

The State Secondary School

If you feel that academic achievement takes second place to street combat, swearing and learning to smoke then a place at a state secondary school might be ideal.

Because Norwich comprehensives have evolved over time, they are uniquely placed to offer the chance to be bullied in a wide variety of settings, from the 1960’s right through to the present day.

Is It Right For My Child ?

Yes, if your child really wants a tattoo but has already been turned by the local tattoo parlour.

How Will I Know If My Local School Is A State Secondary School​ ?

Representatives from the Inspiration Trust will be watching the school gate from a nearby parked car.

The Free School

Any group of individuals in England and Wales can establish a free school provided they can demonstrate that they are either hippies or religious zealots.

bwood
Local Free School

Unusually, teachers in free schools do not need to have qualified teacher status (QTS),  or indeed any academic background, or interest in education, or even an expired restraining order.

Provided that an individual is not too amped-out on snowcone nose-candy to deliver a history lesson, then they are eligible to teach in a free school.

Is It Right For My Child ?

If you visited the Latitude festival this year then your child will automatically be offered a place at a free school.

How Will I Know If My Local School Is A Free School ?

At the open evening, you will recognise every visiting parent as coming from the Golden Triangle (and you can name them all).


 

Next Time: 18+ . . . . Should my kids go to the UEA, or do I really have to find £100k out of fresh air to send them to Keele ?

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